Kaptain Krayola - pie 2.0

The Kaptain has been busy! With all of the raping and pillaging of the internet it’s tough to get into the rhythm of posting fantastic material on this otherwise pointless site. The Kaptain did want to take the time to go over some of the things he’s learned lately and pass that knowledge onto the 6 or so people that will actually read it.

1. Client work sucks. For some reason one day the Kaptain decided that taking on clients was a good idea. Someone should have bitch slapped him with a catcher’s mit full of pureed mango that day because it’s most certainly not a good idea. Sure, the money is good and it’s quick but dealing with people that you aren’t stabbing full of holes and robbing (although some people might call the Kaptain’s rates robbery) just isn’t worth it.

2. Drinking is good. Not that it’s any kind of revelation or anything but after dealing with clients drinking really helps. Self medication anyone?

3. Set goals for your work. Without goals you end up wasting a bunch of time and effort half-assing projects all over the place and never really getting yourself anywhere. Set some realistic goals for yourself and your work and do a little each day to achieve them.

4. Stay focused and on track. The Kaptain walked into a shit storm of work with the goal of “make a whole bunch of cash real fast” which landed him in the client work boat in the first place. It’s been crucial that he stays on track with each project and doesn’t get distracted dicking around on syndk8, the Cache, and aff earners even though they are fantastic time sinkholes. Keep plugging away and you will triumph over the evil hate pile that is your work.

5. Destroy the internet. That’s what it’s here for. Destroying the internet can be automated and the grunt work sluffed off on someone else. Internet destruction is infinitely better than client work because the busted ass internet doesn’t call you 40 times a day to tweak a graphic or change a sentence on a page that they could easily do with the CMS you spent hours setting up for them but would rather have you do it to exert some kind of power or authority over you (you know who you are and The Kaptain knows where you fucking sleep). See number 1 for further clarification.

6. Mangoes suck. They support communism (see the entire fucking site).

7. There’s no money in doing the work. Get someone else to do it, period. Having goals is good but having a team of people to accomplish those goals for you while you are drinking (See number 2) is the best way to do it. Get a team of people together that you can rule with an iron fist and get them working - you have more important things to do (See number 2).

8. People will ruin everything. Most of the time anything that messes with the flow of your awesomeness is caused by people; people suck. Lately it’s been people that want to make a name for themselves (or just piss The Kaptain off) talking when they should be profiting. You guys need to grow some balls, listen to some metal, and make some money - not talk. If you have figured out a great way to make some loot that no one else is exploiting just keep it to yourself because as soon as you start running your yap about it the opportunity is going away, period. Find a better way to convince yourself you aren’t a complete waste of flesh and stop fucking up other people’s income streams.

9. Punching people is fun. Do it, it relieves stress from things like clients and loud mouth fucks (see numbers 1 & 8).

Disclaimer: don’t punch people and if you do, don’t blame the Kaptain because he just told you NOT to (don’t punch people m’kay?)

10. PIRATE VIKING NINJA RAPTOR (stolen from Vsloathe ultimate killing machine)

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According to a new scientific study offering irrefutable proof that Pie is FAR superior to mango: mangoes still suck compared to pies. Was there ever a doubt?

Exibit A:

Suck it, mango lovers (you know who you are).

In other news - Vikings kick far more ass than Ninjas (24,000,000 to 7,710,000). Screw you, ninjas. Pirates also kick the shit out of Ninjas a whopping 83,200,000 to 7,710,000.

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The Kaptain has a need for a flash developer to do some UI design and such please leave a comment or contact the Kaptain:

MSN : kaptainkrayola at hotmail.com
ICQ : 85896389


please include your rates and links to examples of you work.

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Pirates kick so much ass that they have successfully kept global warming at bay. Don’t believe the Kaptain? Here is proof:

As everyone knows, everything on the internet is true so heed this warning and start raising your children as pirates TODAY.

pic borrwed from wikipedia

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FUCK YOU! (it’s Friday)

Whats better on Fuck You Friday than pies in the face and bikini clad woman? Nothing, that’s what. Except maybe the first two AND beer. So, Fuck you Friday, pies in the face, bikini clad women, and beer. Anything else? Oh yes, sushi. What Fuck you Friday would be complete without sushi? Alright, alright Fuck you Friday, pies in the face, bikini clad women, beer, and sushi. I think that should just about cover it.


But Kaptain, what about insulting the French?

Shit, good point. Insulting the French should be on the list for every day but we’ll double up and insult Frenchies and especially mimes today. Fuck you Friday, pies in the face, bikini clad women, beer, sushi, insulting the French and especially mimes. Today is shaping up to be a pretty busy Fuck You Friday but The Kaptain can handle it.

So, lets get this party started:

It’s definitely a pie in the face and we almost get double points for bikini clad woman. She is in a shower and not wearing much but she isn’t in a bikini - better luck next time we suppose.

The Kaptain will be having sushi for lunch, beer for dinner, he knows a guy who is part French, and you can find all the bikini clad women you want via google search unless you happen to live by a beach in which case you win.

Fuck You Friday - out.

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