Kaptain Krayola - pie 2.0

The Kaptain has been busy! With all of the raping and pillaging of the internet it’s tough to get into the rhythm of posting fantastic material on this otherwise pointless site. The Kaptain did want to take the time to go over some of the things he’s learned lately and pass that knowledge onto the 6 or so people that will actually read it.

1. Client work sucks. For some reason one day the Kaptain decided that taking on clients was a good idea. Someone should have bitch slapped him with a catcher’s mit full of pureed mango that day because it’s most certainly not a good idea. Sure, the money is good and it’s quick but dealing with people that you aren’t stabbing full of holes and robbing (although some people might call the Kaptain’s rates robbery) just isn’t worth it.

2. Drinking is good. Not that it’s any kind of revelation or anything but after dealing with clients drinking really helps. Self medication anyone?

3. Set goals for your work. Without goals you end up wasting a bunch of time and effort half-assing projects all over the place and never really getting yourself anywhere. Set some realistic goals for yourself and your work and do a little each day to achieve them.

4. Stay focused and on track. The Kaptain walked into a shit storm of work with the goal of “make a whole bunch of cash real fast” which landed him in the client work boat in the first place. It’s been crucial that he stays on track with each project and doesn’t get distracted dicking around on syndk8, the Cache, and aff earners even though they are fantastic time sinkholes. Keep plugging away and you will triumph over the evil hate pile that is your work.

5. Destroy the internet. That’s what it’s here for. Destroying the internet can be automated and the grunt work sluffed off on someone else. Internet destruction is infinitely better than client work because the busted ass internet doesn’t call you 40 times a day to tweak a graphic or change a sentence on a page that they could easily do with the CMS you spent hours setting up for them but would rather have you do it to exert some kind of power or authority over you (you know who you are and The Kaptain knows where you fucking sleep). See number 1 for further clarification.

6. Mangoes suck. They support communism (see the entire fucking site).

7. There’s no money in doing the work. Get someone else to do it, period. Having goals is good but having a team of people to accomplish those goals for you while you are drinking (See number 2) is the best way to do it. Get a team of people together that you can rule with an iron fist and get them working - you have more important things to do (See number 2).

8. People will ruin everything. Most of the time anything that messes with the flow of your awesomeness is caused by people; people suck. Lately it’s been people that want to make a name for themselves (or just piss The Kaptain off) talking when they should be profiting. You guys need to grow some balls, listen to some metal, and make some money - not talk. If you have figured out a great way to make some loot that no one else is exploiting just keep it to yourself because as soon as you start running your yap about it the opportunity is going away, period. Find a better way to convince yourself you aren’t a complete waste of flesh and stop fucking up other people’s income streams.

9. Punching people is fun. Do it, it relieves stress from things like clients and loud mouth fucks (see numbers 1 & 8).

Disclaimer: don’t punch people and if you do, don’t blame the Kaptain because he just told you NOT to (don’t punch people m’kay?)

10. PIRATE VIKING NINJA RAPTOR (stolen from Vsloathe ultimate killing machine)

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One Response to “Sweet mother of pie (lessons the Kaptain has learned)”

1. vsloathe Says:
   March 28th, 2008 at 9:26 pm

   I’d appreciate if it were noted that I drew that picture. LOL

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