Kaptain Krayola - pie 2.0

Today the Kaptain is reminded of the dangers of contact with the dreaded mango fruit. The Kaptain has known for some time that mangoes are vile, hateful, poisonous fruits never intended to be eaten by man. Mangoes have scored yet another victory over the human race by disabling The Kaptain’s elderly grandmother. She, against the Kaptain’s warning, decided to eat one for breakfast. Upon ingesting the fruit she became very ill and any part of her body that had touched the mango was blistered as though she had poison ivy. She is currently in stable condition but the doctors don’t know just how bad the rash will get before it gets better.

Here are some facts that you should keep in mind when considering contact with this dangerous fruit:

• In a large study from France 6% of severe food allergies were due to mango.
• Mango may cross react with various respiratory allergens including mugwort pollen, birch pollen, celery, and carrot. Latex allergy (and therefore possibly papaya, avocado, banana, chestnut, passion fruit, fig, melon, kiwi, pineapple, peach, and tomato). Not only will Mangoes try to kill you on their own but they will seek help from other plants as well.
• Mangoes are such a devastation to families that many of them seek drugs, alcohol, and miming to cope with the stress. So much so that they have named an entire city of treatment centers in Florida after the offending fruit.
• Mangoes hate humans and will jump down from the trees to hit you in the head. Be very careful if you are walking anywhere near Mango trees.
• Mangoes have been known to alter people’s perception of reality. Just recently a friend of the Kaptain went into a rage and told him that nothing in the world was better than a mango and that pie was disgusting. Yes, he really said that pie was disgusting (The Kaptain couldn’t believe it either).

The Kaptain hopes that this article can help save at least one life from the evil sting of the mango. Do your part and spread the word so that none of your loved ones will fall to this fruity demon.

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4 Responses to “The Danger of Mangoes”

1. mango.FReak Says:
   August 30th, 2007 at 2:53 pm

   you’re just jealous that the mango is such an unequivocally succulent fruit. It’s quite ok. I forgive you.

   Now, you must forgive yourself. And that’s the hardest bit.

   Remember: Jesus loves you.

2. The Kaptain Says:
   August 31st, 2007 at 7:59 am

   The Kaptain isn’t jealous he just refuses to eat a clearly communist fruit.

   Perhaps YOU should look at forgiving yourself for supporting communism. As though supporting communism on your own wasn’t bad enough you had to throw your savior into the commie pile with you.

   You just better hope that he forgives you.

   Go find something sharp to fall on would you?

3. mango FReak Says:
   September 1st, 2007 at 8:21 pm

   I’ll forgive you the minute you forgive yourself for having the audacity to know how to spell communism. I’m impressed. Pie eaters aren’t usually that clever.

   Go find something soft (and smelly) to sit on.

   He still loves you, you closet admirer of mangoes.

4. mango FReak Says:
   September 5th, 2007 at 3:31 pm

   You’re so special …that I’ve put your link on my blog…

   …under the title ‘My Nemesis’.

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